This from South Africa:

When officers from Isipingo Metro Police arrived at work at 6am one day last week, they were greeted by the sight of one of their vehicles up on bricks. Thieves had cut through a fence and stolen all four rims and tires off a Toyota Run-X.

If this was the first time, the cops could perhaps just put it down to experience - albeit a rather embarrassing one. However, this was not the first time.

About three weeks ago, the rims and tires of four taxis impounded there were also stolen.

And towards the end of last year - so just a few weeks ago - diesel from some Durban Solid Waste trucks, which park on the property because the company has offices there, was siphoned over a period of a few nights. Police caught the suspects when they went back for a repeat performance.

Not a good average really, is it.

IOL.co.za

... and Catching Crooks Comes Way Down the List.

A couple from Fort Walton Beach in Florida awoke to find a half-eaten hot-dog in their spare bedroom. Unfortunately, beside the half-eaten snack was the husband's wallet - opened and with the contents spread out around it.

However, this was a Sunday morning and church beckoned so, rather than contact police, the couple cleaned up the mess and went to their truck to make the journey to church. Somebody had beaten them to the truck, however, and the glove compartment was open, with the items it had contained strewn across the seat.

No matter - church beckoned. The man replaced everything in the glove compartment and the couple made their way to church.

The incident report noted the cars and home were both unlocked while the family slept and the husband had slumbered in his recliner by the kitchen, but didn't hear anything.

The half-eaten hot dog came from the couple's own supply, which were in a drawer in the refrigerator.

Somebody will get their reward in heaven, I just can't work out who.

NWF Daily News

There is no real crime committed in this story - just criminal incompetence, really.

Thirty-five year old salesman, David Mackie, was so excited by Capital One's offer to personalize your plastic with a favorite photo, that he swiftly went online and submitted a card design featuring the iconic shot of actor Nick Nolte looking disheveled.

The bank's email response was just as swift, announcing, "Congratulations! Your image has been approved."

Capital One did eventually realize their error, but not before the card had been mailed to Mackie. On Monday, a bank representative contacted Mackie, requesting the return of his Nolte credit card, because use of a celebrity's image violated the bank's "image upload guidelines."

Given Capital One's obviously lax internal controls, is it any wonder that the world's economy is in the doo-doo's?

The Smoking Gun

Following on from the story that Johnny Knoxville allegedly attempted to take an unarmed hand grenade aboard a flight at LAX, the Jackass has given a full explanation on his website.

It seems the prop-grenade was packed into Knoxville's hand luggage by a wardrobe girl following an MTV shoot. The Jackass says:

I should have checked my goddamn luggage through and through, but I didn't and now we have this incident. From what I hear, all the tabloids are saying it was a real grenade, but that's bullshit. They just said that to make a story out of it, because if it was real I never would have been allowed to board my flight to Miami an hour later. Anyway, it was a mistake, and I just landed at the Miami airport. Damn

Damn indeed.

Johnny Knoxville, star of the Jackass films, was cited at Los Angeles International Airport this morning for allegedly trying to bring an inert grenade into a plane. The Jackass was in Terminal 4 when a screener found a fake grenade in his carry-on bag.

The actor was issued with a citation for attempting to take a prohibited item on a plane. Astoundingly, he was allowed to continue with his flight.

Words fail me.

Los Angele's Times

Actor James Caan has launched a $5 million lawsuit alleging non-payment on a movie deal he made with Fish Weir Filmworks LLC. Caan claims that the big Fish wrongfully backed out of a deal for him to play the lead role in a movie called The Lightkeepers.

The lawsuit, penned by Caan's lawyer, LA's Marty Fisher, includes the following, which brings a touch of color to the sometimes gray world of tort and writ:

Adams and his company Fish Weir Filmworks, LLC like some miscreant characters from the hit television drama Las Vegas thought they could pull one over on James Caan and get away with it. They were dead wrong. Caan is not one to be hustled or cheated by Hollywood players and he's calling their bluff.

What Fish apparently failed to recognize is that James Caan is no dumb celebrity - certainly not with Fisher at his shoulder, that's for sure.

Fresh Intelligence

We have actor and comedian Tracy Morgan to thank for this illuminating insight into the celebrity mind set:

DUIs are like buttholes - everybody's got one, and they all stink.

TMZ

A self-employed electrician from Winnipeg recently demonstrated a novel use for socks. During an interview at the police station, James Chrysler stripped off his clothes, covered his embarrassment (or not) with a strategically placed sock and danced in front of police.

It all began when police were called at around 1 a.m. on December 23 to investigate reports of a man driving dangerously up and down the street for an hour, honking his horn. When police arrived, the driver (Chrysler) sped towards a cruiser, then stopped, got out of the car, swayed, and fumbled with his wallet.

He told police, "I was going for a nice walk in the snow," and, when asked to give a breath sample, he refused, saying, "I won't, because I wasn't driving. I was walking on the sidewalk.'"

It was during the subsequent interview that Chrysler demonstrated his innovative way with a sock.

At his court appearance, Chrysler reputedly said, "I don't condone drinking and driving. It's a dangerous act."

He was fined $2,000 and banned from driving for a year.

The Record

Thirty-nine-year-old Brenton Alan Erhardt from Darwin, Australia, has pleaded guilty to dangerous driving and fined 2,000 Australian dollars. Boring, eh? Read on...

When Erhardt was pulled over for speeding back in July, he admitted to officers that he had filmed himself masturbating while driving from Adelaide to Darwin. He must have been mighty sore after that marathon, the distance is 3,051 miles! Oh, and he was apparently traveling at over 90 MPH at the time. And he was carrying cannabis in the car boot, with two cannabis plants on the back seat.

Perhaps that's why it took him three-thousand miles to pleasure himself - the dope had too much dope.

Oh, I forgot - he also pleaded guilty to driving unlicensed, carrying two cannabis smoking pipes, administering the drug and carrying a loaded rifle.

ABC News

This must have been a very special festive season for 30-year-old, wheelchair bound, Ana Victoria Perez.

Perez was a regular fixture along a main Monterrey road, asking for change from motorists as she sat in a wheelchair pushed by her husband. But on Monday, the couple changed their modus operandi, and she and her husband allegedly threw a stone through a furniture store window, with a view to robbing the place.

The couple were scared off by a security guard, so scared, in fact, that Perez fled the scene on foot. They were arrested and charged with vandalism when they returned for the wheelchair.

Doesn't God move in mysterious ways?

First Coast News

Veteran actor Rip Torn appeared in Court on Monday, where he pleaded not guilty to drunken driving; it is less than two years since he was fined and had his driving license rip torn following similar charges in New York.

On this, his third DUI charge, which took place on December 14, police say Torn was spotted driving his Subaru in the breakdown lane of Route 44, with a Christmas tree tied to the top. He was obviously keeping a low profile. When stopped, Torn failed part of a field sobriety exam and refused to take a Breathalyzer test.

The actor is set to return to court on January 28.

WTNH.com

Torvald Alexander, who had been celebrating the New Year, returned to his Edinburgh home to find that his house had been broken into - and the culprit was still on the premises.

Alexander did what most of us would do in such a situation - he ran at the intruder, who, terrified, leaped from a first floor window to escape, leaving his shoes behind. This rather dramatic action was probably due to the fact that Alexander was still in fancy dress - as Thor, the Norse god of Thunder. He was dressed in a red cape, breast plate and horned silver helmet.

Our modern day incarnation of the hammer-wielding thunder god works as a mild-mannered builder by day. When asked why his intruder made such a dramatic escape, Thor said "He probably would not have expected to meet a strong builder, especially dressed in tinfoil and silver."

No, quite. And, going by the photograph, the muscles might have had something to do with it too.

When actor Sam Shepard was pulled over for allegedly driving at 46MPH in a residential zone, his breath-test showed that he was almost double the legal limit for alcohol. He was arrested and taken to McLean County jail, where he posted bond. A court appearance is pending.

Oh - and that residential area was Normal in Illinois.

Huffington Post

Forty-four-year-old Crash actor, Matt Dillon, was clocked driving at over 100 MPH in a 65 MPH zone in rural Vermont. At that far above the speed restrictions officers had no choice but to arrest him. Result: he was finger-printed, photographed and freed; he will appear in court on 21 January.

If you're reading this (yeah, right!): Happy New Year Mr Dillon - way to go!

Herald Sun

Retired professional basketball player and aspiring politician, 'Sir' Charles Barkley, was arrested in Arizona yesterday morning on charges of DUI. The arresting officers found and impounded a handgun they found in the vehicle; however, it wasn't the gun that was loaded and ready to go.

Barkley told cops he ran a stop sign because he was in a hurry to get some oral sex; well he didn't put it as politely as that, what he actually said was, "I was gonna drive around the corner and get a b**w job."

This is the guy who has announced that he will be running for Governor of Alabama in 2014.

We've been clamoring for honesty in politics yet, somehow...

TMZ